Jeff Buckley speaks to my soul.
All I want is his smell.
I can’t describe it other than him.
All I have is one bit still lingering.
I just found one of my friend’s hair on my toothbrush handle.
Why am I not even mad?
Things didn’t go according to plan, and just… Sat here crying. All I want is as much time with someone as possible.
Now due to an argument I had with someone, it’s stuck in my head I’m being used and it really hurts. Because I could believe, what difference would it make to my past. I had someone use me when extremely depressed, what’s the difference now? Oh I might love the guy, but so. My life.
So I should have him back here at 9pm tomorrow, and I’ve got him till the morning when I have to go to lecture. It’s so awful. I just want him to stay and not go. I hate only seeing him once a month, I keep trying to hate him but I can’t. I hate myself more than I hate him.
It sucks, but I have him tomorrow, I should be grateful. Yet I always want more, normally he can only stay one night, but this time due to meetings and stuff he has on he can stay longer. Or he’s just using me to fuck me and have somewhere to stay. I hate how I don’t have the guts to ask.
I miss him so much, I had forgotten how bad it was. He’s the reason I’m even able to cry anymore, which is ridiculous. Not that I could tell him that.
I need to go to sleep but it’s going to be so hard after having him stay last night next to me. Least the pillow smells like him.
I’m 5 ft 2”
I weight about 8 stone and 11 pounds
I hate being short, I wish I was taller then my legs wouldn’t always look fat. I inherited big calves from my Mum. They are disgusting.
I have so much fat on my body and I hate it, I just want to be skinny. And taller. I really don’t like my height at the moment, mainly because if I was average height and the same weight I’d look so much better. :(
I’m at one of the lightest weights I’ve been and yet it’s not good enough. Nonono. My legs are too fat and short. I hate my body so much.
I can’t do shit. I can’t stop crying.
I don’t get to see someone and even though I was going to be a bitch to them I don’t care. I want to just curl up with them. It’s all I fucking want.
It was nice to feel pretty for a while.
I keep getting to the point I just want to hurt myself because I just can’t take everything I’m anymore.
The plan is to break the habits and patterns of the past 3 years, and to just be on my own. I’ve always been on my own but this time it’s worse because I swore down it wouldn’t happen. I’m actually completely wrecking any chance of that, I’m kicking someone out my life because I can’t take it anymore, because maybe I deserve something more. Which is hard as fuck to say when they are the only person in the world who has made me forget why I’ve been angry or depressed. I get nothing. I’m just on my own and have to accept I was used again. 3 solid years of it and this is the worse.
Not drinking for a while now.
I’m proud I haven’t all week, even when I got a text that literally killed me I wanted to but I didn’t.
It actually helps having a straight edge friend, and going out now is a bit awkward, I feel awkward dancing but I don’t want to drink. I’d rather save that money and go to gigs put it towards my bass fund.
I’m not going to use it as a way to escape my problems. I’m going to read, watch cartoons, and deal with things. No point trying to escape them.
I can’t sleep and I feel shitty as hell.
All I want is one person here and it’s not going to happen.
I’ve got to try and stop deluding myself, it’s never going to work out because that’s actually how my life is.
I don’t give a shit what people say, stuff in my life doesn’t work out and if it does it’s twisted or not what was planned.
I’m so tired. The person who makes me the happiest is the same as the only reason I can cry at the moment.
I hate them for coming and seeing me, I preferred thinking they didn’t care because then I could call them an asshole and try and hate them. I hate how they come and all of a sudden I know what it’s like to be happy just because someone is there, your able to see them, talk to them. How sex isn’t just a thing, it’s so much more. It feels right and is in no way forced, it’s not a question, it’s an escalation because you can’t express things in any other way and there is no other way to be as physically close.
I wish it was all stuff I could forget. Literally seeing him was the nail in the coffin of finishing anything casual because I don’t want that anymore. I don’t trust myself not to fuck up now. All I want is to just curl up next to them.
I really am not happy, and I’m not going to be because I know what’s going to happen and I’m in such denial about it regardless that it is just so fucked up.
I’m not the person who ends up with anyone ever and normally that’s fine, well it ends up being fine but this time it’s not. And it never will be. I’ve tried to fill a void and it just doesn’t work. No one is them. Yet I can gurantee my only redeemable features are to them that we have amazing sex.
I’m just so done with everything.
I wasn’t able to cry from New Year, I actually just couldn’t. I’d have a lump in my throat and be so close but I just wouldn’t.
A friend came up Leeds to see me because they were worried and they could stay for a short while and when I came in from walking them to where they were meeting their lift home I actually cried. Not much, but I actually did.
But as sad as it makes me I won’t see them for a while, I’ll see them again. I’m actually happier than I’ve been in a fair while. I’ve started sorting stuff out in my head and seeing them has actually helped so much.
I only cried because I’m going to miss them and that’s good, but I’m not going to be sad, I’m going to look at all the positives from now on.
Just yeah. I cried and my head is so much more together.
Now all I need to do is to see a different friend and explain some stuff which is going to suck, but it’s okay. I’m getting there.
No more doing stupid things because I feel bad.
Society has made depression a crime.
I watched Perks of Being A Wallflower.
The fact that I can relate to this film so much more than over half a year ago makes me sad. I wish I didn’t. But it’s amazing in ways.
Accepting I love him is soul crushing.
I don’t know what I’d do if something happened because honestly I don’t think I could cope with being that happy.
I really couldn’t, and so that’s how I know it won’t happen.
It’s funny when I’m happy quite often the idea of killing myself comes into my head, because being happy is a rare thing and dying happy would be brilliant. I wonder if any one else gets it…