Until I had to think about it I never realised how much I missed someone. First time I’ve cried in a couple of weeks and it was over the thought of not seeing someone. I hate this.
Cannot describe how hopeless and pointless it is even looking or starting my lab report. I’m going to do shitty on it. My insomnia is destroying my life, I barely function. I’ve failed tests and everything, I have wasted 3 months trying to do well and make my family proud but no. Failure after failure and I’ve had enough.
My life sucks ass at times. Plus I’m sick again and not being able to sleep is making it worse. I just want to be better. The only good thing I have is a friend seeing me at the weekend but knowing how my life goes I’m going to be dead and so run down when I see them. It’s not fair. I’m tired of all this bullshit.
When just the thought of something makes you smile.
It’s actually amazing.
I’m sick and I live with slobs.
Actually so pissed off someone moved in and I wasn’t told, thought it’d be standard procedure considering SHARED kitchen SHARED bathroom, but no.
YET, I have a guest I should make everyone aware, hilarious thing is a guest is temporary and people may only see them rarely…..
So someone moves in no biggy, my friend visits… Hell no?
I hate this place. It’s disgusting, first they don’t wash up, now it’s they don’t dry up, all I fucking want to do is wash up from the weekend already before I get too sick to look after myself.
Yes, that happens, just one person is a massive slob. They don’t have an excuse in my eyes, their course is less hours than mine and not as intensive, and just FUCK, all I want is the kitchen to not be a state.
I’m actually likely to get sick to a point I don’t do anything, like they could relate. I don’t sleep properly and with the kitchen being such a mess I can’t actually prepare food so yeah. WHERE IS MY SHOT AT BEING HEALTHY?
I fucking hate people. Slobs are disgusting. Just so annoyed.
Plus who the fuck just moves in and doesn’t tell people? Oh and it’s the slob’s twin sister. I hate it. I can’t even be bothered with it anymore. If I could I’d move out, but I don’t see why I should, I’m actually tidy enough, I deal with my stuff, sure at times my hours are stupid but that’s insomnia. Like jeez, it’s not laziness, it’s actually a full on reason when I stop being able to function.
Fuck people. I hate them.
Just pissed off and fed up.
Started playing a game earlier but I don’t want to play it because I’ve only ever played horror games with one person, so now its like I actually miss them. It’s fucking stupid. I hate people. I need to tidy my room and I can’t smoke in it any more or at all until my brother leaves. Sulking.
I just feel moody, and restless and in all honesty I wish I could sleep as got 10am labs and stuff on all day then a Nickelback concert in the evening which I’m reviewing.
I want to be where I feel home, but I don’t. Because I don’t want to want that any more.
Kinda drunk and just sad right now.
I’m bored of coming home and no one is here. Like as bad as it sounds if I had someone come back at least I wouldn’t be on my own. I’m just fed up. I feel like I’m waiting for something I can never guarantee will happen and it sucks. I was thinking about butthead today and I’ve realised in about two weeks or so I’ve become rather callous towards him, he’s paying for my first tattoo and I’m going to use him for that, but as much as I insist nothing will happen I know it will.
Like I did something stupid this week, don’t regret it but it made me realise I need certain things and without them I’m not going to feel I guess fulfilled or whole long term. Without these primal things I will not be happy as much as I could be without them. I hate it, I wish I didn’t need my kinks but they make me who I am.
I wish things were simpler, I wish I didn’t have them, I wish anything right now. I wish the past two weeks in a way hadn’t happened. I wish they didn’t need to. I guess I wish things had worked out but I had that feeling from the start they weren’t. My time isn’t now.
I just hope one day I have someone who makes me feel like the way butthead did, completely crazy but for once in all the good ways. I guess it awakened something in me that needed to be, yet it’s not making anything better. I know now so much more. All I want in a strange way is someone to own my heart fully, and I’m not even in that mindset any more.
I can’t remember when I last cried. I want to now because I guess it’d wash something out my system but no, I just want company. I think I’m getting drunk every day until Monday then sober for uni and the cycle starts again.
I want to loose who I am, or find myself again. I’m not sure which. I’m really not. I feel stupid complaining because I have the best people in the world as my friends and I love them to bits but sometimes I can’t figure myself out at times like this. I blame drinking.
Right now I think I have most things sorted but there’s always going to be that missing puzzle piece, but I don’t know what I’ll do when I find it.
It’s fucking weird I have my soul mate and without them functioning would just be a task,
Listened to Begin Again by Taylor Swift and it reminded me of how I felt over a year ago about a guy I was dating. I fell for him pretty quick, but he did everything to ensure that and then he basically ended up breaking my heart. Thing was the guy I had dated previously and everyone I had been seeing before him had destroyed my faith in love and I didn’t believe in it until him and John Mayer’s music. It had been a really bad year so I had no faith in anything, but I’m fine about it now. I’m happier, the bad things have made me who I am, and I’m starting to like myself. PROGRESS.
Well, I’m currently moving on from the most recent guy I fell for and there’s this strange little bit of excitement in me because I can’t wait until I feel like that again. Right now I feel really positive about life and I love it.
Trying to not be smug about being someone’s regret. TRYING.
I’m sat here in my bracelets and a hat. Putting off getting ready.
Not going to question this too deeply.
But right now I don’t care at all about that dude.
I have my life, I have my friends and they are what matter. Above and beyond him. Well above.
Literally skyped my friend all night, was amazing.
The shocking thing is I never get bored or want to stop talking to them. Both fell asleep on it as well, which is hilarious. So yeah. Amazing night.
Well when someone gets back with their girlfriend I have the satisfaction of being told that I’m the only one who’s been able to do certain things.
So you know… Who’s missing out now?
Hahaha. Barely but still. Some satisfaction.
Realised as frustrated as I get no one actually interests me but one guy.
Totally fucked there, or not.
BUT I’m making progress, I feel happier in myself. I feel good and I’m actually fine. Happy about that.
Everything I do"
Lana Del Rey